Well, it made it terrible. I got a call from my soon-to-be exwife. Yes, I know my profile says I'm divorced. It's in the works, cut me some slack. She wanted to know why I haven't returned the divorce settlement she sent me. The quick answer is that I've been a wreck lately. I've been trying to find a lawyer to look it over and I need to find one cheap (read: free). I have been meaning to contact the Prairie State Legal Aid Society that supposedly offers discounted legal services to people in need (read: poor).
We inevitably started talking about other things and that always depresses me. Every time we talk I get reminded that she ground my heart into dust and she couldn't be happier. I am left feeling desolated and devastated but she is having the time of her life with a new boyfriend. She admits to feeling great since she left me which leaves me feeling awesome about life. I know I should feel like I am better off without her and that she was dumb for leaving me. I have heard it a million times from my friends. They are trying to make me feel better and I truly appreciate their efforts. It's impossible for me to turn my feelings off. Despite everything she did to me (cheating, lying, hurtful words, etc.) I still love her. I have already said I am stupid so leave me alone.
I just want this to be over. I want to be able to remember this and kind of chuckle about how much it sucked and how things are so much better now. I really want not to love this woman anymore. I wish I could get over it. I wish I could just make it stop.
I can't. I just have to drag through it. I hate my life right now.
We inevitably started talking about other things and that always depresses me. Every time we talk I get reminded that she ground my heart into dust and she couldn't be happier. I am left feeling desolated and devastated but she is having the time of her life with a new boyfriend. She admits to feeling great since she left me which leaves me feeling awesome about life. I know I should feel like I am better off without her and that she was dumb for leaving me. I have heard it a million times from my friends. They are trying to make me feel better and I truly appreciate their efforts. It's impossible for me to turn my feelings off. Despite everything she did to me (cheating, lying, hurtful words, etc.) I still love her. I have already said I am stupid so leave me alone.
I just want this to be over. I want to be able to remember this and kind of chuckle about how much it sucked and how things are so much better now. I really want not to love this woman anymore. I wish I could get over it. I wish I could just make it stop.
I can't. I just have to drag through it. I hate my life right now.
9 Comments:
Hate is a strong word... much the same as love is.
I definately know what you mean. I too have an ex-wife. Yes... I still love her. The fact is I will love her for a very long time... probably until I die.
Once I was able to accept that fact... well it seemed to make life a little easier and less bleak looking.
Just sayin.
Having experienced this sorta thing only sans marriage, (7 years is a really long fucking time) I think it's not so much love as it is "the devil you know."
I'm not saying what you feel isn't real, I'm just think what you're feeling probably isn't love. It might be some self-loathing, some death of familiarity and a lot of WTF with a pinch of what if no one will ever want me again.
And in the not too distant future, I'm willing to be you'll be more equipt to reconise your feelings rather than the dull ache you think is love.
I can tell you that even though she may seem completely happy and satisfied that she has ground your heart into the ground, she is just as tore up as you are, as I am one of those "ex-wives" who did that. I was a wreck for months.
I hope it all works out. All I can say is that it does get easier.
Good luck!
Nixxie
*damn blogger won't let me log in with my account because I am a beta user*
You don't hate your life, you just don't like the place it's in right now. A few months from now, you will be upset that you allowed this to eat away at you this long. If I could hold you right now, I would. It's far better that she moved on instead of continued on and you were clueless about the real deal.
Please check out my friend Andrew
http://lovehonoranddismay.blogspot.com/
Penrick is right, time IS a wonderful healer ... and none of us feel like time will do a darn thing for us when we're in the thick of it. I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. I understand why you can have two conflicting feelings at the same time -- you can know you are better off without her, and still love her and want her back at the same time. It's because you are in the grieving process. You are grieving the loss of the life the two of you had together, the loss of the future you could have had, the loss of the potential. You're still not ready to give that up yet and that's normal. It takes time. It does NOT make you stupid.
I'm betting you'll get through it, even though it sucks at the time. The fact that you can write about it and get it out is one positive sign. Know that others have been through it and others out here in cyberland are pulling for you.
Good luck! Feel free to drop on over, like Penrick said, if you feel like focussing on someone else's problems for a while.
Andrew
To Love, Honor and Dismay
It's one of those cliches that "it takes time," but it's a cliche because it's true. I have been divorced for about 18 months, plus we broke up about 6 months before that, after 6 years of marriage. It still hurts. Not all of the time, you get through that. Just random things, memories, here and there. I think that sticks with you forever. I think you're better off dealing with your feelings, working through them, figuring out who you are as a single guy than finding a new woman in your life (not that getting laid didn't help my mood immensely). Someday soon you'll wake up and realize you feel better. And it will get easier every day.
Ugh. I say, indulge. You like books and computer screens so load yourself up with good books and good 'putery stuff. Without doubt things will eventually be less sucky so until then, be extra good to yourself. Do more of what you feel like doing. I'm sure lots of people would frown on this advice but it's worked for me. Good luck getting over the bad bits, I hope it's sooner rather than later.
I agree with Bean Bro.
You know how bad my first marriage sucked, and I dealt with it in the wrong way, but once I got my head back together I took the cash I spent on booze and put it to work to learn something I really like. Now *poof* I have a new love and a little boy waiting to come out of the oven and hopefully learn from some of daddies mistakes.
I can't believe "despite everything she did to me" gave me only 2 hits in Google, but yours was one. It's been more than 1,5 years for me, but I'm still hurting every day. All the comments to your post were a real help. So I'd like to thank everybody.
Time actually works for me too, but very slowly. Don't let anybody tell you what love is, because only you can know. And remember that all the love you have felt was already inside of you before you ever met her.
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